Mirror Mirror

Spending most of my time in a Speedo swimsuit among bodies that are taller and leaner does make me extremely self-conscious... But I've always struggled with my weight and have tended to yo-yo, in the past 10 years. I also dealt with close people in my life who have struggled with obesity so weight has always been in the forefront of my issues...

I've read several biographies of swimmers - namely Dara Torres, Amanda Beard and Michael Phelps, and I find it so interesting that eating disorders and poor body image exists with elite swimmers. Whitney Phelps thought that being skinnier and leaner would give her an edge against the competition, and didn't realize the damage she was doing to her body by denying it the nutrients and calories your body needs to function for elite competition. I am amazed that Dara Torres and Amanda Beard struggled with this during their quests for Olympic medals, particularly since I think both women look absolutely amazing - how could they possibly have had insecurities about their bodies??? 

In the past few months of joining US Masters, I have really devoted myself to training 5-6 days a week in the pool, and at least 2 to 3 days of weight training. I must admit I have become more active since moving to New York, and the city itself forces you to be active... Weight loss was one of my goals since moving back, and I'm proud of the goals I have met since - but I realize I'm still very much self-conscious of my body and unhappy...

I envy the confidence my women team mates have in their bodies, and their abilities to walk around the locker rooms uninhibited. I, on the other hand, ask for the extra towels and am always covered and NO WAY can I ever conceive the idea of a deck change! But hanging out in the sauna one day, I was surprised to hear that the conversation turned into who we thought had ideal body types in the team, what each woman hated about themselves, etc... Then I was surprised to hear someone who said they envied my legs and the way my legs were built - they said I had very powerful legs... This shocked me because I'm definitely one of the shorter women on the team, and by no means do I ever think that how I am built has been an asset in comparison to the typical long, lean swimmer bodies...Oh, I also think my legs are stocky, fat and fighting cellulite... 

I was talking to one of my trainers about my weight lifting program, and he was complimenting me on how much my body has changed... I pretty much looked at him with disgust and said, "I can tell my body has changed but I am still not happy - I am not where I want to be." So he asked me what exactly did I have in mind - name me a celebrity that you have in your mind is the ideal body type that you want to achieve - so I named a few - and each one he dismissed for one reason or another... 

My trainer basically knocked me in the head and pointed out my physiological advantages... I am short but stacked, meaning I'm never ever going to be a petite ballerina or the typical "Asian  toothpicks" that have clouded my mind's image as my typical body type. But I have muscular legs, and strong arms because I'm built for power and sprints, and the best advantage I have is to continue to make my body stronger so I can pull in the water and kick with strength - that's how I swim faster. Then he asked me to pull my times from before I started the weight lifting program seriously, to what they were - and in just 4 months he pointed out my progress in weight lifting and the drops in my time. To address the body parts I hate most, we talked again about the progress in inches that I have dropped,and he concluded that I'm on my way to the right goal, and I am getting stronger and faster...Plus I have one really mean right hook - since he's also my boxing trainer!

My singing teacher also reminded me that I have a big neck, broad shoulders and built like a pillar as a singer to be able to support the sound... And she began to describe the "refrigerators" body types like Birgit Nilsson or Christine Brewer who were built to sing the big Wagnerian Soprano music. It's not about the stereotypical opera "fat" singer - but simply the fact that opera singers are not made as size zero petites for the reason that we are proportionately built to produce and support the sound we make. So I should embrace my big neck, broad shoulders, high cheek bones, rounded face that house my large throat and my lungs.

Okay, points taken... But I'm a woman, and I admit I am insecure about my body and my looks... I never feel beautiful, even when people around me may think I'm gorgeous... Just recently I was complimented by a male friend, whom I haven't seen in a long time, he called me "gorgeous, beautiful and hot"  and I just rolled my eyes at him and said 'Yeah, right...' 

So this whole concept and idea of ideal body image has been subject of conversation lately. And I also realized that I am hard on myself and perhaps I need to be kinder to myself and my body. I know I'm not the only woman who feels this way...So my new journey is to honor the body I was given, be kind to myself and perhaps learn to love myself a little more.