"The Fly"

My Coach and I have mockingly called my butterfly stroke the "emotional stroke." When I'm really happy and extremely upset I tend to sprint out butterfly and I do it well. I love fly in the context of IM sets - nothing makes me happier than swimming an IM set. But there is truth in the fly - if you see me sprinting fly in the pool, chances are I'm either happy or working through the latest storm and stress in my life. 

Well, I've been swimming a lot of fly lately... Started with crazy long course sprints on Sunday and another 700 yards of fly sprints last night in the context of a 4,000 yard workout! I wish I could say they were fly sprints of joy, but a certain moment and life marker struck a chord from within me. I've been spending the past few days confronting this medley of unresolved emotion and slowly finding peaceful resolution. 

I wrote a while back that life is like an upwards spiral... at certain times in your life you find yourself at the same point, but looking at that moment from a different perspective. As I welcome 2014, and the Chinese Lunar New Year of the Horse, I find myself in deep reflection and measurement of my past and my life...

There's a famous song, from the musical Rent, called "Seasons of Love" and I find myself having that song on replay in my head and wondering about the same questions...

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets

In mid nights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure, a year in the life?

How about love?

Measure in love

Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

How do you measure the life of a woman or a man? "

As I find myself looking at the same point/intersection in my life as last year, there is a profound sadness, sense of betrayal and rejection that stand out. So how do you really measure a year? 

In swimming milestones the growth and progress I have made in the sport of swimming has been un-parallel. I acknowledge that the person I am today is different - I am stronger, happier and the most honest version of myself. 

If I measure my life in love that's a much more complicated measurement... I love fiercely, unapologetically and loyally for the people in my life that I care about.  Yet, I also know that the people who claim to love me the most, are also the people who hurt me the most. As a result, I've become a lot more guarded... I don't usually let my guard down easily around people, but I'm also finding I don't even do this with just me! In very rare moments, I do allow myself to be vulnerable and that in itself takes an act of absolute comfort and trust. As a result, betrayal, rejection and abandonment from someone I do let in is quite devastating. Simply put, if you're in my inner circle - I will go through any length to love, care and protect you and our relationship. I only know how to love fiercely, truthfully, loyally and honestly - and I will never apologize for being anything less than I am! 

In the past few days, I find myself in crying spells devastated by the significant betrayals and rejections in my recent life. I'm not really angry, just truly disappointed... In an attempt to put a stop to the tears that can't seem to stop I found solace in the pool and swimming fly. I start the cycle pressing my heavy heart against the water in total surrender, then I throw my arms and body out in total release, take in a fresh breath and return to the cleansing calm and comfort of the water, to start again. Each stroke is a moment, an emotion, a thought or event a person released and cleansed from my system. 

I guess there could be worse outlets... I don't really know the answer in how you would measure a life? But when I look back at my past year I guess my version of "Seasons of Love" is more like looking at my accomplishments in my swimming journey... In favorite sets and yards swum, dropping times, weight lost, and team mates and friendships gained in the pool and on deck... To celebrating the success of the vets, children and adults I've taught how to swim and fall in love with the sport of swimming, to the wins of my team and the team I coach, and simply knowing I get to add value to people's lives every day. "  

Swimming has saved my life time and time again, and the lesson this week is about letting go - and allowing ourselves the time and space to release. Dive-in!